The Aftermath: Reflecting on Trump’s Election

It's been a while since I've really sat to write, and there's a lot on my mind today. The election was on Tuesday, and Donald Trump won, again. I'm shocked, along with 68 million other people. My feelings this week have been raw and heavy. Today, Friday, I can feel myself already starting to let go a little bit, to feel resigned to whatever is going to happen, to carry on with my work and life - which in some ways is absolutely necessary - but also feels like an abandonment of my ideals and beliefs.

I'm torn between competing perspectives. I have to get on with my life, because of course I do - what other choice do I have - but also, isn't everything different now? While it may feel like nothing the President does is actually going to have a huge impact on my day-to-day life, and beyond feeling that, it may even be true - no one is going to come kicking in our door tomorrow to deport us - but still, damage will be done. What little remains of polite political discourse in this country will be further degraded, and the disconnect between two sides of the population will probably worsen.

Thinking back to the last time he was elected, in 2016 - I had the same feelings, I think. Disbelief. Even some guilt that I hadn't done more to prevent it (but what could I have really done?) When I look back now at what I wrote then, read my apprehension about voting for the Democratic candidate in that election, read that I was actually not sure who I wanted to vote for right up to election day - I can't really understand that. After living through four years of his leadership and the aftermath, I certainly had no hesitation this time around.

He was, in my opinion, a terrible President, and made our country a less welcoming and prosperous place. Now - this may be part of the problem - despite that assertion, I also wasn't personally upended by his presidency. My life went on. I had a job, I bought a house, I went to school, I had a kid. All those major things happened without any friction caused by the President. I think the majority of citizens can say the same - it’s difficult to draw a direct line between the President’s actions and what happens in an American household on any given Tuesday. But in subtle ways - especially, I think, in how he invoked a distrust in government, in institutions - there were lasting, negative effects.

And especially once the pandemic began, that absolutely affected my daily life, and everyone else's, and the response and recovery from that was in no small part a failure directly attributable to Donald Trump. That, I suppose, was definitely something from his presidency that reached directly into mine, and everyone else's life.

I'm reviewing all of this from a place of privilege, because of course there were others whose lives were more directly affected than mine - immigrants who were separated from their families, individuals who he picked fights with and insulted, leading to unimaginable stress in their lives, good-natured and well-intentioned public servants who he fired, ignored, contradicted or attacked, families who were less able to navigate the turmoil that 'picking sides' caused within their homes. All of that blame lands right at his feet.

So - I guess I recount all of that only to think - what the fuck should I expect this time around? It can only get worse, right? He's talked about mass deportations, he's talked about economic policies that could be disastrous, the guardrails against him are basically gone, now that the Supreme Court has ruled a sitting president can't be prosecuted for any 'official actions' - so what if he grants himself another term? What if he dissolves the Department of Education? What if he starts turning the Justice Department against his rivals and enemies, and most likely, the media that speaks against him?

All of this seems possible, but as experience has shown, it's the things that aren't even expected (like a pandemic) that are going to really fuck us up. So, with all of that in mind, I'm nervous. I'm nervous for my very young daughters who will ultimately inherit whatever fucking mess this guy creates - and it's sure to be a mess that is even messier for women than it is for men, given he's a convicted rapist and all.

But again, despite all this worry, well-founded apprehension - life must go on. I have to keep doing what I do. I guess the question I'm facing now is - how does it go on in a way where I feel like I'm doing as much as I can to 'resist,' to foresee disaster and avoid it, and to keep my sanity all the while? I don't have all the answers to that, of course. I think it starts with just trying to stay true to who I am.

It also includes trying to learn more about why people made this choice - I'm torn between believing they are just selfish and vindictive, or that they are just misinformed and unable to comprehend the disconnect between their expectations and reality. The misinformed narrative is easier to stomach. But listening to them directly is the only way to really figure it out, and that's something I didn’t really make an effort to do the last time around.

Does listening mean I have to agree? No, of course not. Does listening mean I'm abandoning my own principles? No, I don't think it has to mean that - it just means, like I try to do with everything else, that I'm exercising some curiosity about the world.

And that's really the force that will keep me going - being sure that I'm remaining open-minded about how the world works, about what my role in it can be, about recognizing the actions within my control that are the most effective, for myself, my family, and for the community and culture at large.

That's all for now, but I'm sure there will be more - four years more, I guess. Fuck.